Reflections
I took a personality test last night and it really got me thinking, maybe a little bit too much, but that’s kind of what this is about. One of the questions on the test asked if I spend a lot of time reflecting on my emotions. I answered “very accurate” to this question which got me thinking. It is strange how much time I spend just thinking.
I would say that probably 80% of my thoughts are consumed by the past. How I used to feel, how I used to be, who I used to know. I spend so much time thinking about people that are no longer a big part of my life. I am constantly thinking about how things might be different had this one thing or that one thing been different. I find my thoughts wrapped around old relationships, old friendships, old jobs, old houses. It’s not that I’d rather go back. I’m just… reflecting.
I wonder why I am this way. I wonder if I changed my thinking to be more about the future, how quickly I would progress. I wonder how my mind always takes me back to old places, old people, and old times. I don’t ever want to forget. I’m somehow scared to let go. I don’t know how to stop dwelling so much on these things I can’t change, these people I can’t fix.
All of these thoughts make me feel almost sad. Why do I allow myself to sit in sadness in my own head so often? Why is it that I go backward when I let my mind wander? Perhaps I am too scared of the unknown. I’m scared to move forward, but the past is easy. It’s familiar and it feels like home. And everything that’s happened is already past. the hard stuff I’ve already been through. I know I made it out okay then, but who knows what will happen next?
I just kind of realized that I am terrified of the future. I guess I always have been. It is easier and safer to stick with what you know, and who you know, even if it isn’t the best. My personality test said I would rather stay in a mediocre relationship than to be alone. But I think that’s about more than just the fear of loneliness. It is the fear of the unknown. I would rather stay at a blah job or have mild friendships, than to branch out and discover what other possibilities exist for me.
Why am I this way? I’m sure I will now spend countless hours reflecting on these results, analyzing myself. I guess that is what its all about. I’m constantly analyzing myself, the decisions I have made, the people I surround myself with. I am always second guessing myself. I’m terrified of settling for less than I feel I deserve, but I am equally terrified of branching out to find out what opportunities may lie right in front of me. How did I become this person? And will I ever change?
